For weeks now, I have been sporadically trying to access my blog. I had forgotten even my username. Finally, the issue was resolved, and I just went though a tour of this virtual niche I worked so hard at creating for a number of years (and that would include my previous blog, as I switched to this new format because access to blogspot in Bangladesh was totally unreliable), reading the dozen of drafts never completed, looking at the pictures, and feeling profoundly… displaced. It all seems to belong to another life. And I can’t even decide whether I like it better now.
I miss some parts of that previous life, very much. I miss the heat. I miss the smells of Asia. I miss the colors. I miss the people, too. Being a bit of a loner, I realize, retrospectively, how comforting it was to always be surrounded with lots and lots of people, including inside your home. Or maybe I just got used to it. After all, I was practically never totally on my own all these years. And even if I was not actively engaged with everyone, it was company. Sometimes, it bothered me. Often? I’m not so sure anymore, so yeah, maybe I’m just never happy. But now that I’m back in a European setting, living a life with more European standards, I feel a loneliness I had not felt in a very long time – the type of loneliness I experienced when I lived alone in New York City, or in Paris.
Writing in this blog also makes me feel displaced, as if I’m somewhat entering a space where I don’t quite belong anymore. I will have to think about it, and decide what to do. Maybe close this blog, and create a new one, open a blank notebook, so I can start scribbling again. I hope.